When I was going through the archives for my rock photo book, I came across my first ever self-portrait, at Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris, in front of Jim Morrison’s grave. I am a 13-year-old on an awkward trip with my cool father. He had no respect or interest in Jim Morrison, and that photo is like every photo I’ve taken from that moment on – I’m trying to take agency over what is happening. Photography was the absolute first thing that gave me a feeling of having my own say. It became a way of creating my own universe, one that I could trust. It was absolutely my first love.
I was sidetracked into music in a beautiful way by these radical women and a countercultural movement, so the subject of my photographs just changed. It was me within this environment, on stage with Hole, backstage with these luminary, wild people, travelling across the world. My photography followed and morphed with me, and my camera documented my generation being hijacked by corporate greed and destroyed in the wake of the sacrificial death of Kurt Cobain. It was a generational call to document the Lollapalooza ’95 tour, where this photo was taken, for us to understand later. It was also when the wild alternative freaks crossed into the mainstream.
Bass players are natural wallflowers and I always had a camera with me, just like everyone has a phone now. In terms of my duty as a female photographer in Hole – not a girlfriend, not an outside male photographer – I was able to glean the essence of that band through that misunderstood and wildly celebrated, but also dismantled queen, Courtney. What I love about the photos of her, and in this photo where she’s just doing her makeup, getting ready to go on stage, is she trusted me so implicitly. She either didn’t notice the camera, or she gave herself to the camera, so I was able to capture her true essence, in the same way that she trusted me to be her bass player and right-hand woman. My camera and I got to just drink that in.
Courtney had been asked to do a tour diary of Lollapalooza for Spin magazine, so it was natural they asked me to take the photos. It felt really grown up for a 23-year-old. I was capturing the humanity, mystery and happiness – as much reality as possible to unpack later, understanding that time and distance would give me perspective. I had bought a new camera for the road, a Nikon point-and-shoot, because my manual camera was not cutting it on tour. It was a camera that could adapt to the subject changing quickly, and shit was happening quick. The wide-angle lens was a revelation, because my little hand could get the giant ocean of crowd, and I could also fit four people in a frame.
This photo captures the spirit of the people who were central to this story in a very particular way, which is kind of how it landed on the cover of this book. It was near the end of the three-week tour; I have a whole roll that I took this day. I would always photograph us right before going on stage, unless shit was bad, so the fact I have half a roll of that moment means we were obviously feeling very strong that night. That is rare in a band that was living in the wake of death, with the struggles of addiction and with enemies on the tour. The fact I was confident enough to take our photo so much makes me think it was a very happy day on what should have been a very happy time in our band. We were at the peak of our alternative power, co-headlining with Sonic Youth, and Courtney was giving her all. Her life was an absolute nightmare – and there was a rivalry with Sonic Youth, who were the gatekeepers of cool at that moment – but she was giving her all on this tour.
My life in the band was the defining role of that decade for me. Yes, I was later in the Smashing Pumpkins, and yes, I was an art photographer too, but my life in Hole defined me spiritually, emotionally, musically, and also publicly. Courtney, obviously, is infamous and misunderstood, but my portraits of her in this book are loving and true.
Melissa Auf der Maur: My ’90s Rock Photographs is published by DelMonico Books. It accompanies the exhibition at Art Gallery of Ontario, until 6 June 2027.
Melissa Auf der Maur’s CV
Born: Montreal, 1972
High point: My 21st-century midlife resurrection as a photographer, out of the wild flames of the ’90s rock life that defined me. It’s a very exciting way to use the past as a barometer, and as a way finder for the future
Top tip: The problem with our digital reality now is this abundance – I loved that, in the pre-digital film era, there was a limitation. So now it’s work within limitations and with intention, and then find your signature storytelling
